Mike Squires: travel and unravel

March 21, 2009

So, this is the inaugural blog posting for the band. We’ll do our best to post here regularly and talk about the ridiculous shit that goes on amongst our ranks!

Duff and I just finished a 3 week radio/promo tour today. I’ve gotta say, Duff is an inspiration when it comes to patience (no pun intended). This man rarely gets grumpy, has a constitution of steel, and answers any and all questions about his career, past and present, with the grace of a dignified statesman. Also, rarely effected by the hassles and pitfalls of traveling, Duff certainly is a person that I could learn a thing or two from. Leaving Vegas, his flight (separate from mine) was delayed over 2 hours and I’m pretty sure his heart rate dropped during the 2nd hour of waiting. I got on an earlier flight out of dodge and was probably idling around 135 BPMs in line.

The band has often taken much joy in seeing me melt down and stomp around in a heated fit while we are traveling in group. I’m sure that one day I’ll die from a massive heart attack in an airport. Often times, I’ll just separate myself from the group altogether and meet up at the gate. That way I can be a little bitch and save some face with my band. Rarely works out for me, though. There have even been some moments captured on film that I’m sure will make our video-blogs one day. I’ll surely learn to laugh at them.

Last Summer, we were traveling to Italy and had a lay-over in Germany where we had to clear customs. The officer there wanted to X-ray my fucking Dan Armstrong guitar. For those of you who don’t know…. a Dan Armstrong guitar is made of clear fucking plexiglas. Fuck off! I hit the fucking roof. I even called him an idiot. He deserved that, right? I mean, it doesn’t take X-ray vision to see that there….is…..nothing……hidden……inside! Douche-bag! So, seriously…..X-ray my Les Paul all you want. There are cavities inside that could house things that WEREN’T DISCOVERED THE OTHER 3 TIMES THAT IT WAS X-RAYED ON MY WAY TO FUCKING GERMANY. But, please don’t bother with that one that is practically fucking invisible, OK? I’m offended by that.

So, it will come as no surprise to anyone to learn that I NEVER get through airport security without a hitch. I’m sure it is the way that steam is pouring out of my ears when I hit the back of the line, drawing attention to myself some 20 yards away. I’ve been double-searched, X-rayed, stripped, and questioned for 15 minutes before. Seriously. I have NO criminal record. I don’t even have a traffic violation on my record. I don’t do drugs. What gives? Do I really look guilty? Or is this some kind of social profiling thing? I mean, I am a communist/socialist sympathizer, but I still pay my taxes (fuck you, AIG).

I was recently gifted with a CD. A good friend of mine thought that it might do me some good. “Just load it on to your iPod and listen to it while you are in line at the security check point”. It is a meditation CD. Seriously. I’m going to try. So, if you see me in line at the airport, please…. a couple of things:

If you don’t know to take your computer out of your bag as soon as you hit the conveyor, stay the fuck out of my way, OK? That is my single biggest peeve. Not traveling much is no excuse, either. It is posted on every sign along the security line as you approach the machine. You can read, right? Also, untie your shoes, OK? That way I don’t have to stare your asscrack down while you undo your shoes and waste everyone’s time. You saw everyone else doing it. Just be a good little monkey and do as they do. I know you can do that, look at your faux-hawk.

Also, if you see me falling blissfully asleep in line for security…..kick me in the ass. I respond well to it and I’m trying to be a part of the solution.

Squires

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March 21, 2009

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